Inane Ramblings

Life & Me... revisited

2004-03-06T01:34:21Z

Ermmm what to say....

Went to the docs for the gawd knows what time, I should have me own spechial chair with a name plaque and all that! he gave me bloody sleeping pills so I get in a huff - STEWPID docs I dont want pills to sleep I want to know why the pills he gave me make me not sleep! GRAH

So I phone the shrink - he is most pissed off the doc still has me on SSRI's as he has decided I is Bipolar (wheeeeeeee and crash wheeee and crash etc) sooooo.. I now have MORE MEDS grah!!!! this time mood stabilisers he is weening me orf the Efexor as apparently if you come straight off em you can go a bit nuts (hehe what does he mean go?!) so I am now the proud owner of a fortnights worth of Depokote which me mum was on a few years back and says they are ok

so heres hoping!!!!

Dear Tooth Fairy...

2004-03-02T21:40:31Z

Please remove all my teeth in exchange for £50 in order I can bail myself out of this shite....

I can't fucking cope with this nothing anymore

Eternally greatful

Me!

My stomach is hurting so so much its doing me in

*screams*

Whats the point?!?!?!

2004-02-29T22:14:54Z

I do my best to be good to people, I really do... yeah I have made my mistakes I am only human... my mood swings have contributed to me not being nice at times, but I am always there for people, I really am...

Then you find yourself in an extremely shite situation... one of extremes... one that I can get out of but it will take a few weeks and ya know what... karma obviously doesnt swing my way... NOT ONE person who I thought I could rely on will help

NOT ONE

Shows what you mean to people when the shite hits eh?

I think I will just be there for myself in the future - and expect nothing of others and do nothing for others it seems thats how the rest of the world lives

Life and gahhhh's

2004-02-29T13:41:53Z

Finding things really difficult again.....

I wish I could turn it all around but right now it feels so hopeless again...

I have crashed back down with a vengence, am so sick of the ups and downs ....

GAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

2004-02-26T15:28:19Z

*breathes*

I feel better for that

OMFG...

2004-02-25T20:28:29Z

Got a mail from a very dear friend yesterday whom I hadnt heard from for ages, I just assumed he was getting on iwth life yadda yadda... (well hoped he was - if anyone deserves happiness it is he!) his fecking ex screwed him over again! GAHHHHHH He lost his life through her once before and she has made him lose this one - everything he worked for has gone... Bloody bitch ... gahhhh (again)

Poor I*** I am livid in how she has fecked him over and hurt him... Karma is gonna have one hell of a time kicking her up the arse!

so so so scared...

2004-02-19T23:30:30Z

tomorrow I have to tell strangers all my stuff

I dont like opening to people I am forced to do it with

OH GAWD

FEAR FEAR FEAR

sniffle

2004-02-17T09:34:11Z

My little Oscar has gone missing, I am rilly worried about him, he never goes out.... what if something happens to him?

Havent slept all night

SNIFF

Life me and insomnia

2004-02-16T05:18:41Z

Gah! Still no sleep... my eyes are tired but my brain wide awake (yeah yeah what brain I know...)

Maybe I should turn this off and read a good book.... or a bad one - a bad one is more likely to se nd me to sleep ....

Ermmmm I dont have bad books!

The Bell Jar? Or Prozac Nation? Nice light hearted bedtime reading eh????

ah well have to be up in 3 hours so should attempt to close my eyes at least once

Grah to insomnia

Gahhhhh

2004-02-15T19:28:28Z

I would KILL for a cigarette...

Looks for a victim ....

buys herself a strait jacket - squeeeeee

2004-02-15T03:53:13Z

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Very High
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	High
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	High
Narcissistic:	High
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

GAHHHH

2004-02-15T03:37:07Z

I *rilly* want to sleep, why wont it come????

Maybe I am trying the non drug induced way of hallucinating?!

ARGHHHH

la_bint @ 2004-02-14T01:23:00

2004-02-14T01:25:44Z

Yesterday's goals, dim memories.
Dark saddened eyes, blurring with tears.
Painful scars borne; Love's history.
Futures crumble when doubt appears.

No brightly lit hope envisioned,
When following after harsh words.
Hurt soul splits in twain, partitioned.
Swooned by appeal - when numbness lured.

Apologies made, never bought.
Price paid turned out far too costly.
Though never known what would be wrought -
Must walk into the night softly.

sick of this damn illness...

2004-02-14T00:37:24Z

is it an illness or am I just a fecking bitch?

I dunno anymore, I hurt those so badly that I care about, the anger just bubbles through and takes over me, its scary I can love and hate the same person within a few minutes, when I am hating I go for the jugular, no holds barred... then I am left feeling so damn shitty about myself and the hurt I have caused...

WHEN WILL IT STOP?!

gahhhh

2004-02-13T23:07:29Z

I'm such a piece of shite

killin' time

2004-02-12T14:52:58Z

7
THE ENTHUSIAST
Enneagram Type Seven

free enneagram test

The Busy, Fun-Loving Type:
Spontaneous, Versatile, Acquisitive, and Scattered

Basic Fear: Of being deprived and in pain
Basic Desire: To be satisfied and content — to have their needs fulfilled
Enneagram Seven with a Six-Wing: "The Entertainer"
Enneagram Seven with an Eight-Wing: "The Realist"

Profile Summary for the Enneagram Type Seven
Healthy: Highly responsive, excitable, enthusiastic about sensation and experience. Most extroverted type: stimuli bring immediate responses — they find everything invigorating. Lively, vivacious, eager, spontaneous, resilient, cheerful. / Easily become accomplished achievers, generalists who do many different things well: multi-talented. Practical, productive, usually prolific, cross-fertilizing areas of interest. At Their Best: Assimilate experiences in depth, making them deeply grateful and appreciative for what they have. Become awed by the simple wonders of life: joyous and ecstatic. Intimations of spiritual reality, of the boundless goodness of life.

Average: As restlessness increases, want to have more options and choices available to them. Become adventurous and "worldly wise," but less focused, constantly seeking new things and experiences: the sophisticate, connoisseur, and consumer. Money, variety, keeping up with the latest trends important. / Unable to discriminate what they really need, become hyperactive, unable to say "no" to themselves, throwing self into constant activity. Uninhibited, doing and saying whatever comes to mind: storytelling, flamboyant exaggerations, witty wise-cracking, performing. Fear being bored: in perpetual motion, but do too many things — many ideas but little follow through. / Get into conspicuous consumption and all forms of excess. Self-centered, materialistic, and greedy, never feeling that they have enough. Demanding and pushy, yet unsatisfied and jaded. Addictive, hardened, and insensitive.

Unhealthy: Desperate to quell their anxieties, can be impulsive and infantile: do not know when to stop. Addictions and excess take their toll: debauched, depraved, dissipated escapists, offensive and abusive. / In flight from self, acting out impulses rather than dealing with anxiety or frustrations: go out of control, into erratic mood swings, and compulsive actions (manias). / Finally, their energy and health is completely spent: become claustrophobic and panic-stricken. Often give up on themselves and life: deep depression and despair, self-destructive overdoses, impulsive suicide. Generally corresponds to the Manic-Depressive and Histrionic personality disorders.

Key Motivations: Want to maintain their freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, to keep themselves excited and occupied, to avoid and discharge pain.

GAHHHHHH...

2004-02-11T14:06:35Z

so fecking angry ...

One day I will befriend people that have an ounce of humanity about them.

la_bint @ 2004-02-10T01:06:00

2004-02-10T01:09:45Z

Dark red blood flowing through your veins.

Your full of life while i'm dying slowly

Stealing the very life from me as you laugh with insanity

I'm cold
Dead
Alone

No one understands my life

Left face down in the mud, Abandoned.

No hope.

gahhhhhhhh I am sooooooo angry and upset....

2004-02-09T23:47:04Z

Life sucks - its a conclusion that I have come to - I tried and tried to appreciate it all and again the big black cloud of hopelessness falls over me!

I can't do this anymore, I truely truely cant, I was so close today I just wanted to jump into oncoming traffic, but thats not fair on the driver eh? GAHHHHH so so sick of all the mindless shite of everyday - the smiling at stupid people to pretend that I am not depressed - well ya know what I fucking am.... morbidly, painfully depressed.

Death is hanging over me and will snatch me soon, the sooner the better I cant live like this anymore, it hurts to wake, it hurts to sleep, it hurts to think and it hurts to talk....

I am coming to the conclusion that Friday will be the day I finally catch the bus... I need to be sure this time, no psychs, no hospitals, just peace PURE PEACE

Have saved enough tablets by then I think - the doc stupidly told me they were fatal in overdose (mwah haha) thanks doc!

4 days thats all I have to suffer but it seems like forever

The best weekend and the best man....

2004-01-20T18:54:03Z

yeah this is one of those smoochy posts so those of the faint stomachs pass on through!

What can I say about Bart - he accepts me good and bad, he loves me good and bad, he supports me through it all I never thought there were people in this world such as him...

The weekend was bliss, not stressful despite the crap travel plans, just bliss nice times doing nothing, nice times meeting his friends, when either of us had an inkling of stress it was washed away by the good feelings that were there

Have I met my mate? well the signs are yes but you know me lets jump before we think lol

I love him with every part of me, I would move there in a heart beat to make things work errr I dunno this is me all lovey! hehe makes a change eh?

More silly quizzy stuff cause I am putting off what I should do

2004-01-20T14:30:50Z

You're Gangsta Bitch Barbie. You're tough and you
like it rough, and of course you like to pop a
cap in any wiggers ass.

If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla

Reincarnation: You are nice enough to go to heaven,
but Earth won't be as fun without you. So you
shall come back as someone or something else.
As a real optimist and lighthearted person, you
always see the good in things. People probably
respect you for your wonderful personality and
love for life. People like you make the world a
happier place (please rate my quiz)

**Where will you go when you die?**(now with pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

weekend update...

2004-01-20T14:11:24Z

well I guess I am not the best organiser int he world - a brief rundown on Sue's travels.....

a brief synopsis of the travels of me ....

Day before leaving I book ticket (yeah I know I dont do forward planning well!)
Wash clothes last minute and decide to dry them on airer in front of fire - cat knocks airer whilst I am in garden ... me returns to house full of smoke and clothes on fire!

Day of departure - Miss coach to Gatwick so have to rearrange ticket .... finally get flight which is delayed and attempt to get train to destination - encounter possibly the rudest woman in Holland who gives me the wrong time and I nearly miss train!!!! The last train - finally at 2am I arrive *yawns*

Day before return I decide to get things ready - passport is missing - me stresses - Bart stresses figure can do nothing til following day...

Day of return - call airport - they found passport - yey so go to train station - nearly miss train as we wait at wrong platform! Get to airport 45 mins before take off get sent to all the wrong places to collect passport - me running round airport and finally get passport 20 mins before flight due to leave.... Board plane finally I relax!
Plane cant land as missed spot so we are left in air for ages, passport control keep me waiting for ages so I miss my connecting coach home therefore having to wait another 1 and a half hours......

Had a fantastic time though and managed not to kill anyone!

silly quizyness

2004-01-20T14:06:28Z

You are blessed with FAERY wings. Beauty,
laughter, life, magic...that's what you are all
about. You are refreshingly innocent and happy
with your life of purity and play. Life's a
game and it's a good one. In your eyes there's
no way to lose! You can be very mischeivous and
have been known to cause trouble, but it's all
in the name of fun and not meant to really harm
anyone. You like to play tricks on people who
aren't quite as bright or clever as you - which
is almost everyone. Nature is the setting you
prefer to be in - Always. Barefoot and wild you
can't be tamed. You're probably a restless
spirit who loves to travel, and quite a
dreamer. Your creativity is astounding and your
art (of whatever media - from writing to
painting to drama) is like something from
another world - ethereal and often very
fantasy-oriented. You can either be a social
butterfly or a loner with their head in the
clouds - but rarely inbetween. You stubbornly
refuse to accept responsibility or to give in
to the wishes of others - unless you feel like
it. You have a strong passion for music and
can't imagine life without it. You'll grow up
someday, but you'll always be a child at heart.
You are adventurous and love to take risks, and
feel a deep connection with the weather,
plants, and animals. You prefer sunshine to
thunder or snow, the warmth of summer to
autumn's chill, and quiet forests to suburban
backyards. Magic through and through, you are
far more powerful than you seem, and are
capable of being extremely passionate. Though
you can be childish, naive, stubborn, and
self-absorbed, one thing is certain - life with
you will never be boring!

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

cause I am putting off tidying!!!!

2004-01-14T12:23:27Z

The last person....
[?] You touched? Leigh-Anne this morning
[?] You talked to? Leigh-Anne
[?] you hugged? errr Leigh-Anne (you sensing a pattern here?)
[?] you instant messaged? Bart
[?] You laughed with? Bart he makes me laff lots
[?] You cried about? myself
[?] You cried with? errr Leigh-Anne I think
[?] You kissed? read above
[?] You danced with? errr the cat?!
[?] You punched? ermmm cant remember I tend to punch pillows not people
[?] You bought something for? ermm Leigh-Anne I bought her shooooeessss
[?] You had sex with? ohhhh all these personal questions and the last time I would rather forget thanks!

Have you/are you/do you...
[?] Have tattoos? yeah two, one on the back of my neck the Bhuddist Om symbol and a Kanji at the base of my spine
[?] Piercings? ermm might have!
[?] Own a webcam? well I have one in my possession but own is the wrong word its Si's
[?] Ever get off the damn computer? haha yeah sometimes
[?] Sprechen sie deutsche? how dare you! errr na I dont
[?] Habla espanol? Si poco...
[?] Ever broken the law? Yes thanks have you?
[?] Hot? its bloody freezing are you mad?
[?] kissed a boy/girl? Yes both thanks

Currents...
[?] Current Clothes: Jamas - I only just got up!
[?] Current Hair: brown long and super curly
[?] Current Annoyance: my lack of organisation
[?] Current thing you ought to be doing: cleaning!
[?] Current Favorite Group: Coldplay
[?] Current movie In DVD: Panic Room
[?] Current Refreshment: Coffee!!!!
[?] Current Worry: Not much at the moment
[?] Current Crush: he knows who he is
[?] Current Music: Nothing I just got up I need silence first thing!
[?] Current fear: there being noooo plane tickets left

On Dating...
[?] Long or short hair? long!
[?] Dark or blond hair? errr not really fussed
[?] Tall or short? Tall
[?] Sensitive or Funny? both
[?] Good or bad? both
[?] Dark or light eyes? all the colors of the rainbow
[?] Hat or no hat? no hat
[?] Pierced or no? dont really mind
[?] Freckles or none? who cares?

A - Act your age?: ha ha not a chance
B - Born on what day of the week? Monday
C - Chore you hate?: all of them especially ironing eurgh
D - Dad's name?: Mr Sperm Donor
E - Essential makeup item?: Paper bag!
F - Favorite actor(s)?: ermmmmm dunno
G - Gold or silver?: silver!!
H - Hometown?: Norwich
I - Instruments you play?: what ever I wanna play!
J - Job title?: professional layabout
K - Kids?: err not right at the moment thank you I did it once already
L - Living arrangements?: my flat
M - Mom's name?: Lana
N - Number of people you've slept with?: now you are getting personal!
O - Overnight hospital stays?: quite a few
P - Phobia?: PIGEONS!
Q - Quote you like?:"You're young, you're drunk, you're in bed, you have knives; shit happens."
R - Religious affiliation?: ack religion is baaad
S - Siblings?: brothers 5 of em
T - Time you wake up?: I dont wake I slip out of a coma occassionaly
U - Unique habit?: ohh I am completely unique!
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat?: Swede erghhhh its grose
W - Worst habit?: oh I have loads!!!!
X - X-rays you've had?: ermmmm do teeth ones count? if so 2 if not none
Y - Yummy food you make?: Ohhh I make yummy food lots!
Z - Zodiac Gemini

errr what can I say ha

2004-01-13T23:47:46Z

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Take the What Sex Position Are You? test by Ley Ley

Languid-Sexy....
You rock the messy hair and crisp white cotton
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bed at times. You're a total fox, even if you
are a hedonistic bum.

What's your brand of sexy?
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